Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have aggressive nipples.
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