Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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