i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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