I skipped work to stalk him.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
