Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
