So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
