i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
