2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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