i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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