Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
