I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
