so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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