It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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