That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
