You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
