There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
