I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I know her cup size but not her name....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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