I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
