shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
