her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I want a musical about memes.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
