Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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