If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
