youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
