my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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