this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
