Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
