she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
