Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
