I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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