I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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