My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
