Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
