dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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