He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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