Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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