My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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