I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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