there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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