Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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