my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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