When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
