Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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