hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
