i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
