All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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