Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
