I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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