Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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