I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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