i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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